Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
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I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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