All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
