When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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