He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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