JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My vagina is officially offended.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
