You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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