Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
