I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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