So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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