Tell her she can't have a vagina
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
