my vag is so smooth its legendary
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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