I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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