i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
