I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
