i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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