she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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