Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
