I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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