Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
