I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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