no, he came in my armpit
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
