Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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