I want to have your abortion
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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