I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
