Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
