Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
