Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
