Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
