I cannot find my penis.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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