First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
