I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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