tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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