the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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