Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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