don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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