So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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