i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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