so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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