you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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