I think I died a long time ago.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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