The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
