just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
