guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone shattered a urinal.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
