Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
