checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
