Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
