Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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