Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
