the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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