I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
