dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You may now shotgun with the bride
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
