my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
