Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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