Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
