You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
